Should We Criticize Our Partners? The Impact of Criticism Within Romantic Relationships

Within my work with couples and families, a pattern I’ve observed is clients ineffectively communicating wants and needs within relationships through criticism. We can convince ourselves that pointing out a partner’s faults is simply being honest or that they need to hear what they’re doing wrong to better meet our needs. However, there is an important distinction between addressing a behavior that we feel has harmed and/or hurt us and communicating that we feel something is wrong with the person we love.

Therefore, what is the role of criticism in relationships? And how are unmet wants and needs communicated in relationships without it?

John Gottman’s research with couples and relationships is a valued resource for answering these questions. Criticism focuses on a partner’s personality or character rather than the specific concern that needs to be addressed (Gottman & Levenson, 2000). Gottman defines criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen,” which he describes as a group of destructive communication patterns that also includes contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism tends to shift disagreement and conflict from what happened and to what is wrong with you. This shift makes productive communication much more difficult and often leads to defensiveness and stonewalling – repeat this pattern enough and contempt can develop. And there you have all Four Horseman.

I think many of us can feel it when criticism is present in an argument – we feel attacked, on the defense, and that our partner is no longer on our team. For example, “I needed more help with dinner” communicates something very different from “You’re lazy and never help me.” The former statement is direct communication about a need, is collaborative, and expresses some vulnerability. The latter statement does not effectively communicate a need, is an attack, and expresses judgment about the partner’s character. The responses to each of these statements are likely very different, and what could be a calm, thoughtful discussion about meeting one’s needs, can quickly devolve into conflict about each other’s character.

We see how impactful criticism can be on relationship satisfaction and communication in the literature. Negative communication, including criticism, within couples is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, and is more impactful on relationship satisfaction than positive communication (Johnson et al., 2022). A common conflict pattern within partnerships is one called demand-withdraw. This is a pattern where one partner pushes harder for a response or change while the other becomes increasingly defensive or disengaged (Schrodt et al., 2014). Criticism is often present within this pattern and is a primary factor in a couple remaining stuck in this cycle. This demand-withdraw pattern is associated with overall poorer relational and communication outcomes.

Although the argument here is that criticism should not be a part of a couple’s communication and conflict dynamics, it’s important to note the absence of criticism does not mean the absence of conflict and disagreement.

When a client and/or couple tells me, “We never argue,” I see that as a red flag for a relationship. That suggests someone in the relationship, or both partners, are not being honest with how they feel. We’re human – we have different values, opinions, worldviews, reactions and life experiences that are not always going to align with the person and/or people we love. In a healthy relationship dynamic, we need to be able to tell our partners when we don’t agree, see things differently, are hurt, and are uncomfortable with something they’ve said or done. We need to share and discuss unmet needs, boundaries, intimacy, finances, household responsibilities, and the many other challenges that naturally arise when two people build a life together. In fact, we’ve seen in research that “opposition” (i.e., conflict) within a couple that includes direct communication is often necessary to facilitate change and effectively navigate significant relationship challenges, more so than “cooperation” (i.e., agreement) between partners (Overall & McNulty, 2017).

The goal is learning how to communicate our unmet wants, needs, and hurt feelings in way that facilitates problem solving with our partner vs. attacking and/or blaming our partner.

Gottman recommends replacing criticism with what he calls a gentle start-up (The Gottman Institute, 2026). This involves describing the situation, communicating our feelings, and expressing what we need without attacking our partner’s character. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t care about me,” one may say, “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I need more one-on-one time together.” The former statement blames and attacks, whereas the latter directly communicates a feeling and a need, and prompts for problem solving. The statement differences may seem small, but the emotional and relational impact is large.

Our partners are not always going to relate, treat us, and behave just as we want, and healthy relationships are not conflict-free relationships. There will be conflict and disagreement – sometimes for notable periods of time. The goal is creating enough emotional safety that both partners can bring their wants, needs, and hurt feelings forward directly without fearing rejection, being attacked, and/or their vulnerabilities being wounded – instead they’re met with understanding, openness and collaborative problem solving.

This can be accomplished without criticism. We can ask for change and express our needs and navigate conflict effectively through direct communication and facing relationship challenges as a team – attack the problem together, not each other.

Megan Powell, PhD is a licensed psychologist, owner, and a practicing provider at The Conscious Adapt in Austin, TX.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x

Johnson, M. D., Lavner, J. A., Mund, M., Zemp, M., Stanley, S. M., Neyer, F. J., Impett, E. A., Rhoades, G. K., Bodenmann, G., Weidmann, R., Bühler, J. L., Burriss, R. P., Wünsche, J., & Grob, A. (2022). Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(4), 534–549.
https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672211016920

Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58.
https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632

The Gottman Institute. (2026, May 13). The Four Horsemen: Criticism.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-criticism-the-four-horsemen/